Sunday Blues

Sundays are the day I have to go online to certify my claim to get my weekly unemployment benefits. I hate doing it. It reminds me that I'm still unemployed and have been unemployed for close to a year. When my last job ended, it was with a mix of worries and relief. I didn't want to be out of a job, but I'd been looking for other employment opportunities for close to six months at that point. The job was stressful, and for a long time it had been taking a toll on me. I had a month of vacation time coming my way that I had never gotten to take, so when it ended, I was ready. But now I'm more than ready to get back to work.

Being unemployed sucks. The benefits aren't great, but I couldn't survive without them. Job searches are this crazy rollercoaster ride of building hopes, then disappointments, then having to start all over. That's been when I'm even getting called in for interviews. Many, many more resumes get sent off into the ether, never to be seen or heard from again. I've never, EVER been good at selling myself. Pretty much every job I've had I've gotten through either a backdoor or by attrition. And now I'm 40, competing against graduates half my age. It's a tough situation, and I know a lot of people have it worse than I do, so I try not to dwell on it, but today it hit me kind of hard. I'm over this. I want to get my life back and not keep playing a waiting game and living in limbo.

Sometimes you have no choice but to push forward, and this is one of those situations. Tomorrow's another day.

OHISASHIBURI

As they say in Japanese, it's been a while. No need to expound on the reasons why. To bring things up to speed, I'm out of work, been so for longer than I've hoped to be and I'm actively looking to change that. I also turned 40, so I've turned a corner in my life and I'm thinking about how to reinvent and repackage myself. It's been alternately interesting, depressing, and scary. Recently, David Horvath (the creator of Uglydolls) has been posting a lot of great stuff on his Google + stream. By great stuff I mean really wonderful advice from a guy who has made it big doing it his way. He doesn't sugarcoat it. He straight up says that you're going to encounter failures, but he also comes across like the life coach I've been looking for. It's been really inspirational. It's hard to find your mojo. Harder still to maintain it until it bears fruit. Hardest of all, finding it again when you feel that you've lost it. David's online pep talks have been amazing, and have lit a fire under my ass.

Today I got messaged on Facebook from a colleague from my old job. Despite the fact that we've never met in person (he's in Los Angeles, I'm in New York. Really wish it had happened, just never came to pass), I've always felt that we had a good rapport, which is actually not so crazy to think in the age of the internet. Anyway, he was just reaching out to me. The company we both worked for has been having a hard time of it the last couple of months, and both of our positions got eliminated. It was nice to hear from someone in such a genuine, unspoiled fashion. In stark contrast, I haven't heard word one from my old boss/head of the company. Not even a "thanks for everything, wish you well". It was really disappointing. Disheartening even. But then out of the clear blue, "hey, how're you doing?". People surprise me and disappoint me in equal measure.

Today I also had a talk with my neighbor about the outdoor space we share. To be fair, we had been encroaching on his space in recent weeks, and he just made the perfectly valid point about not wanting to have to look at somebody else's stuff. We'll ignore the fact that he doesn't separate his trash, drag the building trash to the curb, or shovel the walk when it snows for now. But the encounter itself was uncomfortable for me. It reminded me that one of my real weaknesses is that I hate conflict with people. I'm fine with angry conflict, probably a little too comfortable. When we lived on Sullivan Street, we had these asshole neighbors who just co-opted a courtyard space in the building that happened to look directly into our apartment. I eventually confronted them about it. It was extremely hard for me to do, and talking to my neighbor today I had that same shitty feeling in my gut. Was I turning into the asshole neighbor? This fucker never once cleared the steps when it snowed 8 inches a week once a week for the entire month of January. But he pays rent, and that space is his, even if I feel it would be better used by me. I was in the wrong, and he was right for calling me out on it.

I think one of the reasons I stopped blogging for so long was that I was always looking for some kind of way to wrap up disparate things I wanted to write about in some kind of neat fashion. It has been cool to find something I needed without even really looking for it, thanks to David for that. Anonymous colleague, I hope we do get to meet in person some day. Downstairs neighbor, I appreciate you coming to me to address your issues. I hope you know that despite the fact that I hope you move out and somebody much cooler moves in, I never want to be the bad neighbor. I know how shitty they can make things. And to myself, need to work on resolving conflicts in a way that doesn't leave me obsessing about them, because that does me no good whatsoever.

Oasis

My long weekend is at an end it's been a nice and much needed break from things. I spent a lot of time in the garden which has become my go to retreat from everything my life throws at me. It's not much, but it's ours. It's added an entirely new dimension to my city living experience, one that I can't ever imagine not having now. I've been taking immense pleasure just watching the cycle of renewal that goes on. I love seeing how weeds and native plants push through cracks in the sidewalk, or grow wild in abandoned lots. My city is alive and breathing, and when I can slow down a little I can watch it grow. I've got space to encourage it to grow. It's just the start of the spring and summer growing season, and our porch and garden are already looking really nice. The grapevines have started their crawl, the morning glories will follow. Our neighbor downstairs left a raised flowerbed when she moved out that we filled with discount flower seeds from the 99¢ store. Got a patch sown with sunflowers, echinacea and black eyed susans. My Japanese maple has bloomed, and we planted a rhododendron bush. Got moonflower vines coming up in a big pot, and Jen is growing herbs and vegetables like a seasoned farmer. It's amazing the sense of well being tending to our garden gives me. I'm at ease out there in a way I don't really think I've felt before. Part of it is just me getting older, but a big part of it is things just feeling right. This is the first apartment Jen and I moved into together. I don't think I could be happier with things than I've been here living with her this past year. I feel like I've found where I'm supposed to be.

So Long April

It's been a long month. Long 2010 thus far, really. Stressful couple of months to say the least. Things have been really intense lately, and for the first time in a long time, I lost my shit. The last time I did anything like that was my first full on panic attack, which was a couple of years ago. That was an awful experience, one I'm glad I haven't ever repeated, but this recent lapse of cool was no picnic either and had me emotionally laid out. The end result of all of this is the undeniable conclusion that there are things in my life that I need to change, for my own sense of well being and peace of mind. I know what I've gotta do, it's that whole getting it done part that intimidates me.

Marching Onward

March is here, it's been a long and exhausting winter. I've really missed being able to spend time on the porch and in the garden. With all the plants pretty much dead and Marmalade living indoors there's been no reason to venture out back for some time now. It's amazing what a little bit of outdoor space does for my spirits. Mom's apartment always had houseplants and my room had the southern exposure so I've always had a little green retreat. Something about warm sunshine and green growth puts me at ease. Makes me feel really content, and connected with things.

I've never stopped being a science nerd, so watching plants grow and thrive is extremely satisfying to me. It reminds me that life is kind of amazing. I know that's gotta sound mad corny, I don't mean it in any kind of religious way. It's life's processes that amaze me. Our yard is full of leafbare stalks and snow right now. In 2 months, it will be green. In another 2, green and lush. Our little slice of outdoor life will resurrect itself. And continue to do so, year after year.

With winter behind us and a new month heralding the onset of spring starting, I need to focus. I want to focus, it's not always the easiest thing to do and it's one of my biggest stumbling blocks. Things are hard all over but even as I feel the pinch I can step back and appreciate what I've got going on. Could things be better? Of course. They always can. It's easy to get down on everything. Particularly easy for ME to get down on everything. But the return of the green is imminent, and with it comes that sense of well being I've missed for the last couple of months. I can't wait.

Random Rambling

Jen sent me a link today about a species of frog in Peru that are monogamous, which is a first among amphibians. I posted it on my Facebook page with the caption "Monogamous frog among us. Say that 5 times fast". That got me thinking about when my friend Bill Wrigley and I made up the greatest tongue twister ever. I don't really remember the circumstances surrounding how we thought it up, but it's definitely held up:

See My Enemy, Emily.
The cinnamony sea anemone.

We also came up with a fantastic outline for a fused Marvel and DC universe. That was in the late 90's when Marvel was bankrupt and there was a wild rumor of DC buying them (or vice versa). We really got into the whole idea and came up with some good stuff. Definitely better than that lazy ass Amalgam Universe crap they eventually did. I'm pretty sure we went übernerd and wrote it all down somewhere. In the meantime, head over to The Vault of Buncheness to see actual ridiculous comic submissions that good friend Steve Bunche amassed during his years in the bullpen at Marvel.

Better Late Than Never

February is almost over and this is my first post. I haven't exactly been as diligent about my blogging as I thought I'd be. It's in keeping with a lot of aspects of my life, I'm also months and months behind on movies. I think the last film I saw in a theater was The Hangover. My work schedule and my lady's manage to encompass all the prime movie viewing time slots, so we wind up just watching a lot of stuff on Netflix.

Tonight's movie was District 9, and I was not disappointed at all. The story makes no attempt to hide it's obvious political overtones, which did not distract at all from the story. The fact that it was made by a South African filmmaker was also a selling point. It managed to get all the typical sci-fi bits in there, but came across as very realistic. Usually the aliens in sci-fi arriving on earth wind up falling into very tried and true roles. There's wolves in sheeps clothing, the most classic example being the aliens from the classic Twilight Zone episode "To Serve Man" (it's a cookbook!!!). Then there's the alien that arrives to warn us of impending doom, like in The Day the Earth Stood still. Then there's the straight up invaders, like in Independence Day.

District 9 succeeds by taking a different route. Aliens arrive malnourished and confused, and a humanitarian mission to save them eventually turns into a segregated settlement camp on earth. The fact that it took place in Africa drives it all home. The story gets interesting when it becomes a literal version of "walk a mile in my mocassins". If the aliens are not dominating us, we will subjugate them. I found that totally believable. Multinationals with less than altruistic plans, also totally believable. Lots of issues you never see in a typical aliens on earth movie, like racism, segregation, subjugation, addiction, opportunistic warlords and governments that are no better than they are.

This was a message movie, usually that's an automatic turn off but not this time. Humans are the bad guys in this one, and at times it made me feel really crappy. Really dug this movie. Must point out the director's obvious penchant for the '86 remake of The Fly, but that's all good. And oh yes, fantastic gore and alien weaponry, always good.